birthday countdown...

My birthday is next week.

I have mixed feelings about it.  I wish I could embrace my age and that it didn't make me feel bad.  But it does.  I hate aging.  I hate getting a year older.  I was one of the only kids growing up who dreaded turning a year older.  I didn't ever want to be twelve and three quarters. I never pushed to be that next  year old. Even when i turned 21 it wasn't a big deal or rite of passage. Being 17,18, 19, or 20 never really stopped me from having my way with booze. 

I wish I could grow younger, but I can't --- so shouldn't I  just accept it and get over it? 

Ryan tells me that he thinks it pisses people off who are older than me when I complain about my age.  Not that I care, their age is fine for them, it is me who doesn't want to be their age.

My Mom says it will change when I have children.  She said then I will just obsess over the fact that they are getting older before my very eyes.  

I have read into it and some people think that it may be because I have a fear that I don't feel that I have accomplished enough at my current age, or that I am afraid of the unknown.  I don't really know what it is, but I wish there was some pill I could take so that I would just forget about it.

I know that in reality age is just a number. It doesn't define me and my happiness, it won't actually prevent me from having fun or for pretending that I am 25 forever.   But, I look at people who are obviously aging and still pretending that they are younger, and sometimes I feel sorry for them.  What's annoying is:  that is going to be me!

I am at a real crossroads.  It sort of reminds me something I learned about in college lecture:  erickson's 8 stages of human development.

It is embarrassing to lie about your age, especially when people consider you to be young. I can't help but think I am going to be the age which I thought was old just a few years ago. 

Not to mention,  I can't even bring myself to type it right here on my blog which must be some sort of violation of trust.

I am going to get over this.  I don't care if it takes psychotherapy.  It is not like I have a choice. Like it or not, the clock is going to keep on ticking anyway.

(ryan i can almost hear you chanting benjamin button in your creep me out voice and i just laughed so hard that maggie came to see what was so funny only to find me laughing and blogging.  she is probably really weirded out right now.)