What makes a house a home?

Blogging about my house issues made me feel better yesterday. Today as I was driving to work I was thinking about how blogging can be so therapeutic to me. Sometimes I wonder if I just use this as an outlet to bitch. But who cares? It's my blog and often I feel like I can say things on here that I can't say in 'real life'.

I am feeling so sad today. I have never felt so scared in my life. Except once.

When I was about 20 I remember coming home to my parents house in Corpus Christi from college in Austin and having an epiphany. I can't remember what triggered it or how the emotions came on. But I vividly remember that Sunday as I was packing up for the drive back to Austin. I had this sadness pass over me. I realized that my parents home did not feel like home to me anymore. It wasn't anything they had said or done, and if I had even an idea of moving back they would have jumped at the chance (and even today they still would). But up until that point I would always say to friends or family, "I am going home for the weekend to visit my parents."

That particular weekend visiting 'home' didn't feel like home to me anymore. It probably hadn't for a short while, and it just took me that moment to realize it. I was so upset. I remember crying to my parents and them kind of laughing and joking and my Mom tearing up. I didn't know how to put it into words until later that I felt a loss of my youth. This was it, this was adulthood. I had to create the home I wanted from here on out. I was scared to have so much responsibility, and I remember being freaked out that people trusted me to make major life decisions. I can truly remember watching my parents wave their goodbyes as we drove out of the driveway. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It got better of course, and I remember watching the movie "Garden State" a year or so later and Zach Braff's character experiencing something very similar. I guess we all go through that rite of passage.

Today I am feeling the same emotions. I never thought that finding a home would be such an experience. When we bought our first home we were just so excited and we didn't fret over the little things. We closed on our home the week we got married, three days before our wedding. We didn't even have a list of must haves... except a bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom would have been nice. We didn't care where we lived or even think much of it. We love our house so much and it was so much more than we thought we could ever have, even though we have outgrown its 1128 square feet.

This time has been so different. It isn't even the list of things I won't compromise on...it's other things. When I walk into these houses (and to give you an idea we saw 26 houses on Friday...twenty-six and I am not exaggerating). When I step into the door I try to picture myself living there, cooking in the kitchen, cuddling in the bedroom, taking a bath, doing laundry, celebrating holidays. I think of the pictures we may take, the memories that might occur. I wonder if this will be where we have our first child? Will our dogs outlive our time in this house? Will our parent's outlive our time in this house? How will we look and change from now until we leave here? What legacy will become of this home?

This is a lot of pressure (especially for my realtor). I guess most people just pick a place and don't worry about all the details. I wish it were simpler for me. I wish that when I was incredibly excited to put my home on the market I prepared myself for what it would be like when it did sell.

I know it will all work out. I remember that one of the things that made me feel better about that revelation of growing older and losing the 'home' that I knew and trusted was Ryan. I remember that when I was with him I felt safe and excited about being an adult and making decisions and our scary uncertain future.

No matter what the world may bring, he always makes me feel like I am home.

In case your wondering where I've been....

I have been somewhere between a nightmare and real estate hell...

Seriously, I am tense and feel sick to my stomach. We sold our house about a month ago and all was well. I was worried of course because we hadn't yet found a new place. Everyone was calm and happy and laughing and jovial and wondering what in the world I was so worried about because our closing was November 9th.

Well, November 9th is a hop, skip and a jump away and we still don't have a house. So I may be a squatter or have to join the teens on 6th street. I am at a about a level 5 freakout today because there was a house I desperately wanted and I had to watch as it painfully slipped from my fingertips.

Personally I think that some realtors are sleazy, and I know that not all of them are. But in reality I am just not used to the high stress environment of real estate. But with so much money at stake you really have to wonder whose interest is at work here.

So I have had to surrender my blogging and stalking time to hours of looking through the MLS listings and praying for a miracle. God, Jesus, Oprah...make something happen. PLEASE!

busy, busy, busy...

I have been super busy lately. It's been one of those times when you barely get a minute to stop and think about anything, and if I do get a minute I'm too tired and lazy to do anything about it.

We may have sold our house. Just putting that out there terrifies me. I don't want to jinx anything and by even putting this on the interweb I just know the deal will fall through. I'm being overly cautious and don't trust people, especially in this market. I've had a lot of drama lately about taking financial advice from a family member and it pretty much screwing me over. It's a long elaborate story and no one meant any harm, but it has become a huge mess. A mess that may lead to an alcholic slumber of a weekend. I honestly just want to move on from it. Everything will work out, I know it will (fingers crossed).

My best friend is getting married in like 3 months and I have a crap ton of planning to do in preparation. Hosting a shower (do people even like shower games because I think they're lame?), hosting a bachelorette (the one celebration I am really really really looking forward to) as she has it coming from my bachelorette party - let's just say a gift I received had the word "classic" and "dong" in the title, so she may be getting "the fist" and I'm serious (google it if you dare). Then she can worry about what she is going to do if she is in some tragic accident and her parents come across it while cleaning out her things.

I guess that's about it. My dentist's office really pissed me off today. They are lucky I haven't set fire to their office. It appears to be a trend that they are flaky and unreliable.

Oh yeah, and I have at least one child in my class that more than likely has H1N1. I have a feeling they are going to start dropping like flies next week. I am trying my hardest to vigilantly wash my hands. It would really just top off my year to not have only suffered from staph in 2009, but also from the swine flu.

As long as I don't get it the week of that bachelorette party....

I should have went to Target... (long but worth reading)

What a weird day...

It all began with Ryan dropping me off at school (he had the day off) so he could take my car to the dealership for an oil change (the freaking Volkswagon dealership can't have convenient hours). Anyway, I couldn't get into the building because I forgot my keys in my classroom.

I should have turned around at that point and just left...it was a sign!

So the day started out with a child crying because he missed his Mom. I can understand, sometimes I miss my Mom too...only I don't get to see her afterschool or even every month. I was able to get him calm, crisis diverted. It was a child's birthday so I got him squared away with a crown and an It's my Birthday! sticker (kids love birthday attention --- who am I kidding? Don't we all! I will send you one on your birthday if you email me your address and birthday, seriously).

Next issue: I broke the copier. I don't know how, I was making just your basic copy and the machine started growling at me. The secretary opened it and a part actually fell out. Just great! So much for not working late tomorrow. Move on, and I mean really move on before other teachers see that I was the last to use it and I get glares since this one is seems like it's actually going to need a repairman.

No big deal, right? I can handle this. You're not going to get me cruel day!

So now it is finally recess (a mental break not only for the kids by the way) and a child is waiting in 'think time' for misbehaving (it happens to the best of us) and he starts walking to me weirdly. And by weirdly I mean he is walking with his legs like 3 feet apart and then he says it: "Mrs. B I wenttotherestroominmypants" "Huh?" "Can you say that again slowly sweetie?" Pause "I-went-to-the-restroom-in-my-pants" I look at the teacher next to me on the park bench. So I ask him if he went number one or number 2 and he says "I pooped in my pants"

Hmmm....I don't really know what to do, they didn't teach me this in college, this never happened when I taught 2nd grade. I can't just leave the students on the playground again like I did last week when a child fell on his nose and bled everywhere (for the record another teacher volunteered to stay with my students that day because blood was seriously everywhere --- turns out his grandma told me he is a nose bleeder, I have never met one of those). So I did what all teachers do, sent him to the nurse. God bless school nurses. I am sending a shout out right now to all school nurses, thank you from the bottom of my beating heart. I sent another child to go with him (someone I could trust to keep it a secret and not use it against this poor kid). He didn't seem to have a clue anyway. I must say it was pretty cute to see them walking off hand in hand with one doing a "poop walk".

You might think it ends there...it doesn't. You read my title, didn't you?

So Ryan picks me up from school and we have a relaxing dinner at a tex-mex restaurant. I even passed up alcohol, which was a shocker to even myself on a day such as this. Who am I kidding? It was a shocker even for an average day. After dinner he told me we needed to stop by WalMart for something. I asked if he could just go tomorrow, but he insisted we go tonight. Fine. It was early anyway.

As we are pulling into the WalMart parking lot there is a truck blocking us from going any further. The next thing I know a male is approaching the truck and the driver of the truck gets out and grabs a machete (I am not exaggerating an actual machete...who has those and carries them around?) and he puts the machete behind his back like hiding it. Well, me being the teacher I am I jump out and say (seriously) "NO FIGHTING! HEY, NO FIGHTING BOYS!" (only I said it really authoritatively, but still pretty funny that this is my go-to language). The truck driver then moves the knife as if to threaten or hurt the other guy and I scream..."THAT'S IT I AM CALLING 911 YOU BETTER CUT IT OUT!" Ryan jumps out of the car but stays by our car door and grabs his phone. I immediately call 911 and I am frantically telling the representative that they need to get an officer at the WalMart parking lot because I think these two men are going to kill each other! Of course the person is making me tell them everything and I am still yelling at the guys to stop and hoping Ryan doesn't try to step in and get involved. The truck driver then throws his machete back into his truck and then pushes the other guy and that was it...they were in a full blown fight. It only took a minute before they were both bloody and by now there is a crowd of about 20 watching or walking away and I can't make too much sense about what's going on because the 911 operator is talking my ear off and telling me not to yell at the men. Ryan says that they will get tired eventually and stop. The fight lasted about 5 full minutes of punching and hitting and it was insane. The police arrived right away (which I wasn't too surprised about - we were in South Austin and I can imagine there are cops patroling everywhere around I-35 and Ben White). 911 tells me not to leave and to tell the police that the assailant has a weapon. The cops come, I give a statement and so does Ryan. We are the witnesses who saw the entire scenario. The other guy left the scene of the crime and they arrest the truck driver. The cop who interviewed me was nice and told me it was just another night at WalMart.

As we are walking in to get wiper blades for Ryan the manager tells us the fight was over a parking space. A PARKING SPACE! I would never pull a knife on someone for a parking space, that is just crazy. He is going to feel like such an ass tomorrow when his rage subsides and he has fines and court all over a freaking parking space at WalMart.

I am so glad this day is over.

Thank God it's Friday tomorrow!

I prefer to worship God by sleeping in on Sundays...

One of the kids in my class told me that he was worried about God punishing another child in our class for misbehaving.

He was very upset and told me that his Grandma told him that God punishes people who disobey.

I overheard him telling the child, God can be really mean that's what Grandma told me.

Hmm...I wonder what they were fighting over?

I need to have a specific title for these posts. Perhaps "An actual conversation I had today" would be appropriate except I didn't have this conversation today but a few days ago. Its not like I could forget it though.

Child: Mrs. B did you meet my Mammy before she went up to the clouds?
Me: No I never had a chance to meet her, what was she like?
Child: You know she is in the sky right? She is in Heaven.
Me: I bet you miss her so much. She seemed like she was wonderful.
Child: Did you know I have an Auntie?
Me: No I didn't, what's her name?
Child: Well she used to be my Uncle but then she had a surgery and now she is my Auntie.
Me: Well that's interesting.
Child: Last Christmas my other uncle got mad at my Auntie and punched her right in the face.
Me: I am glad she is feeling better. Okay let's get ready for lunch.

Kindergarten madness...

Well I survived my first week back and school and barely scraped by on this 2nd week.

Let's just say that I had an emotional breakdown after school on my first day.

I knew it was coming on and then someone asked me how my day went and I lost it. I mean completely broke down, the "ugly cry". Of course I left the "Surviving the First Day" party and went to my classroom to feel sorry for myself. People of course heard the news (word travels fast on a school campus between not only students) and filed in my room for words of wisdom and hope. I didn't believe any of them.

But it is getting better.

I have already gotten a cold and survived a child who projectile vomited so I would say we're off to a good start.

Man do I have some stories to share with you though. It will have to wait as I am trying to enjoy my last minute of summer on this Labor Day.